I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
