Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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