Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Are my feet made of real feet?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
