I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
