Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
