All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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