youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
