We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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