I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize