Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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