There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize