I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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