I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
