Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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