"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
