I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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