Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Randomize
