I'm lost and stupid without you.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Sober January is a disaster.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
