....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
