i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
