I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
