You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
