There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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