the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
