Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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