You don't have asthma, your pregnant
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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