It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
