her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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