3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
areolas are like halos for boobs.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
