if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
this is an emotional support booty call
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
