I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
