Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
