remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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