the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
It's blow job season.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
