this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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