the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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