I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
