I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
