i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
