I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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