he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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