yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
