On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My feet surprised me
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
