Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
