she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize