On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
