I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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