Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
