I think I died a long time ago.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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