I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
