some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
he high fived his dick after we had sex
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize