There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize