then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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