Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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