sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
