And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Randomize
