We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
