I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
